hehehe laurie, did mike tell you about the time when i first got rosco, and i brought in some of his feathers for him? and he wore it in his hair during physics?

kristine is trying to weasel me into doing more scisoc work for her. like hell.

iew. the new msn messenger sounds are mature and creepy.

*applause*

i used to want to blog every little thing that happened in my day. i want to blog it all, but i'm too lazy to type it out. sad, eh? ah well. i will say this:
julia, you want an awful lot of stuff for being someone to push "buy nothing day" and for someone who "is" so anti-capitalism.

i'ma just sayin'!! *flails arms like the dickens*

bio class went to zoo today to do animal behaviour studies. geez. all i blog about is school. i can't get over how much my life revolves around school now. i guess it's supposed to be like that for now, while i'm here.

i wish this semester lasted for a year. or for my whole high school career..well..maybe just a year. this week has been really relaxing, strangely. especially compared to last week. calc test today. it was the first one where i answered all the questions with actual reasons. usually i just put down random numbers when i can't think of anything. which never works, but hey, doesn't mean it's impossible to be right. biology, we're doing animal behaviour. which isn't even part of the curriculum, but gabe's mistress is psychology, so he's trying to encourage us to do psych in university. scary. one month left of the semester. at the zoo, i saw some orangutans. some of them were putting on t-shirts. it was like we were in another dimension. the infamous "apes who wear clothes" dimension. don't act like you dont' know what i'm talking about!!

this is what happened last friday that pushed me over the edge.
i had stayed up until 3 am that day to finish the scisoc presentation on drugs, (which ended up not being used. damn you.) and the biotech proposal. which i also wrote by myself (yes...damn you...) so i wasn't in the perkiest of moods. University applications were that day, and since i hadn't brought in my application form the day before, this was the last chance for me to apply with help of guidance dept. so gabe had said the day before that he would give us an extra night to work on the proposal by accepting them at 1:00 at the latest, and driving them over to the company who is running the competition himself, and drop them off in person. so i have everything printed up, and i go to school. jeff asks me if my group has filled out the application form. yes, my first choice was mcmaster, i say. no, i mean for biotech, he says. oh ... i think so, i say. well...nope, i didn't. in fact, we needed our parent's signatures. note that me and everyone in my group are living away from home. then we look even closer at the requirement form. guess what else, we need to have our whole proposal on disk (no disks...how fortunate), in the sub-headings that they specify (which, go figure, it is NOT in), and with an abstract (meh..no biggie). but you have no idea how much i flipped out. it was bad. we basically had to rewrite our whole proposal in 15 minutes. which we did, but now it looks like shit, and still doesn't follow their requirements, and makes us look like idiots who crapped on paper and handed it in. but that's okay, cause they'd say,"how avant garde!", and then give us the grand prize for being cool. hey, it could happen. maybe in the crazy apes-who-wear-clothes dimension. *sigh*. damn you dirty apes. you guys are mean. and nude. i'm jealous. or am i??? (i am). or am i....okay, i know...

anyways, so after all this upsettingness, and forging of parent's signatures, (apparantly, heather's dad, my dad, me, and lisa's mom all have the same handwriting) i skip out of university applications (before applying) and run up to the teacher's offices to print it up and give it to gabe. gabe isnt' there. so i run to the photocopier to fix the proposal. b sees me, and says "she's going to wait for gabe at the door to hand in hers first!! follow her!" and he was serious. he thought that i was gonna try and hand it in first so that i would have a better chance...which i WOULDN'T. so instead, he follows me to the photocopy room, and watches me mess up photocopying, laughs at me and says "ah yes. stupid stephanie. you always make me laugh". i wanted to kick him in the face SO badly. i felt like crying, just because i was pissed off at the world and how shitty everything was, and how i couldn't say no to anyone/thing because i wanted everything to be perfect, and no one would help me, but i didn't want help because i'm a control-freak, and i didn't trust them to do it right, and cause they dont' know what's going on, and because gabe WASN'T AT HIS DESK UNTIL 45 MINUTES LATER. the whole time, i was thinking "guidance is going to leave, and i'm not going to be able to apply to universities. where the hell do i even send my application? guidance has all the forms, jesus, why isn't heather handing this in, she doesnt' apply today. why didn't heather or anyone do any of this work.."

and he walks in with doug, the guy who is filming our classes for teacher's educational videos. and so i was pratically tearing with anger, and i said "where have you been?!!?" when he walked in. i guess gabe was pretty taken aback, since i was so intense, but he was like, "i had a class (program/workshop/school group) to teach...you guys know that." how are we supposed to know that?! so then he gives me a disk to save my stuff on. which didn't work at first. but 10 minutes later, did. so now, if you're counting, i am nearly an hour late for my guidance appointment. i hand in the stuff, and hold myself back from slapping gabe for not telling us that our format of proposal was wrong, even after he read over it. i run back downstairs, to the other side of OSC for my guidance appointment. jeff is still there, so that means i was just in time for my appointment, the last one. i noticed the class was tidied up nicely. i look around for my application form and payment form. they are no where..NOT ANYWHERE TO BE SEEN. i gave up. i was so mad at the world. tears were running, and i just sat down, and waited to break the news to my guidance lady.

FINALLY, jeff is finished his appointment. i'm the last person to apply. i go, and there are my forms, sitting on her table. she doesn't know how they got there. i figure steph w. got confused and handed them in. which would worry me, but seriously, if i worried any more at that moment, my face would turn into a huge zit and then expolde. which can happen. expoldions. not to be confused with explosions. or bad spelling.

anyways. that was it. i applied, my appointment took up half my calc lesson, mike seemed pissed off, but got over it when i said, "fine, next time i'll just not go to university, so that we can do homework questions from calc."

we did trig in calc this week. for some unknown reason, i'm pretty okay with it. i spent literally, all weekend working on my homework, and had some reluctant help from andrew. so on monday, when we were going over questions from homework, i knew the answers. mike called me clever, and i felt like a big weiner/ass, yet the coolest damn weiner/ass in the world. what's with all the genetalia insults? ahh, it still works. anyways, yeah, i was pretty proud. all the smart people in class were asking for help, and even though i was just repeating what andrew told me, they thought i was smart. i was like "ahaa! i have finally broken into the sacred inner circle of the calculus titans!"....or something like that. hahahhaa i'm just kidding. but let me continue tooting my own horn. at first, i was flattered. but later, as in yesterday, the day before the test, some other people would ask me questions that were frustrating in that you could tell they weren't trying at all, yet expected to somehow magically absorb all of it in a night. i remember in the beginning of the year, when i said that i would never get frustrated or not really try to help anyone who needed help any more, but ...really now.

anyways, that was my pathetic 15 minutes to fame. being one of the "smart kids" in class. now it is gone, as people remembered that time i said that 0+0=1. i almost tried arguing that point too. i bet it would work in a philosophy class: man...when you have nothing plus nothing...it's nothing...which is still something...

i just realized that's not funny unless you hear it in the dumb stoner voice that i hear in my head.

...that was a messed up sentence...but not as bad as when i saw a siberian tiger today, and tried to get it to look at me by saying, "you know you want some of THIS!". wrong in so many ways.

i chased lots of loons today. they all flew away, and scared me. none hissed though, i was dissapointed. it's those dirty apes, i tell you. i stepped in poo. then right after, cliff told me look out for the poo. i chased him on one foot, with my poo foot out pointing towards him. i found a parrot that said "hi" and "how are you?", and i found some tiny tiny mar..mar...somethings...somethign with mar in it...i'll call them tiny fist sized monkeys, but they weren't monkeys. anyways, these tiny fist sized monkeys smelt like horses (haha) and would come up to me. i put my binder up near the cage, because they kept looking at it. they started grabbing it with their tiny hands, and they'd pick at the papers inside. it was fun. i stood there for 20 minutes, while they climbed over themselves to scratch my bio binder. then i watched a gibbon for one hour (part of the assignment), and he rolled up in a ball, and scratched his butt a lot. i recorded that in my data table. he looked so bored. the other gibbon, the one jeff was studying, was walking on his hind legs, and looked like a little human. alison said that she looked like that when she was little. i didn't ask for any elaboration. the gibbon i was watching went near the water, and started poking a turtle. the turtle went in it's shell, then came out suddenly, and chased the gibbon. the gibbon ran away. i laughed, then it scratched it's ass at me. i was insulted, so i scratched mine at him. then security came by and escorted me out of the zoo.

so anyways, yes. lying is funny.

hm..i got a notice in the mail saying They were gonna shut off my hydro. i scrounged in my uncle's mail for a bill, and i guess there was some left over from october. i mailed it off today, but i got another bill, which was addressed to someone else in the family, but to this address. i'm not gonna pay, and see what happens.

this saturday, i'm going up to mcmaster with a few friends. alexguy is driving. he failed his first attempt at his G2. i have a feeling he's a bad driver. but hey, a drive is a drive. other pple are taking the GO train. i hope alison comes with us in alex's car, but i dont' htink she is. umm..yeah. so this is the first time i'm doing any in-depth university researching. for myself. which excludes the university tours i went on with brothers, and the times i've been to UofT to see relatives, and to queens, for queen's enrichment, aka "take a week out to try to act smart, with other smart wannabees, and disgruntled graduate students". no, last year's was fun. except for the busrides, which were stressful, yet fun.

i've decided not to apply to SHAD valley this year. i hope i don't regret it later...andrew said it was just like summer camp. that costs thousands of dollars. so i figured no. plus if i did it, it would take the whole 2 months, from start to end. but now i have to figure out what i'm gonna do in the summer that can replace shad. maybe i'll finish my grade 9 piano. man, that'd be so sweet. i've been playing more piano here, but mostly songs that i choose, not my curriculum songs.

i need to wash the house. wash.

i've wasted my night.

my ass is asleep.

i can't believe one month left. that's insane.

i'm gonna miss lisa. she wants to go to guelph, or an atlantic university, because she's planning on envir.sci, and then veterinary. so there's no way i'm gonna get to go to university with her. you know, i think i would piss myself if i found out that i was going to go to mcmaster with laura and alison. and to a lesser, yet still significant extent, alexguy. i dont' care much about the university i go to anymore. mcmaster is good enough for me. i'm still clinging desperately to the hope of going to UofT or mcgill for masters though. i told my mom how i wrote mcmaster as my first choice on the university app. she got upset, but was also acting like she wasn't. which made me mad. so i was arguing, and getting angry, without acting that way. which upped the tension, which upped the voice level, which upped the amount of personal remarks being made in the non-fight. did i mention we did this during the intermission at the lion king? yeah...i found it rude that people turned and looked at us. i stared at them. that reminds me, on the bus today, someone got on, and looked at me, then smiled a weird snarky, smirky, "we have an inside joke" smile. i didn't know who they were. maybe they thought i was someone else. he was older than me, but not old.

last summer, when i met some 2nd cousins, they were really surprised to find out that i was the youngest child. they thought i was 2nd oldest; older than andrew, and chris. chris is 21, and looks it. i despise when people think i'm older than i am. i don't know why, since it used to be cool to look older. they thought i was in college, they said. my mom always says "it's because you wear so much make up! and pluck your eyebrows!!" but really, it's not like i cake it on, and i haven't plucked my eyebrows in half a year. my mom comments on my eyebrows too much. it's always not mean, but not outright compliments. they always go, "your eyebrows have such a funny arch."
"no, that's from baba's (dad's) side of the family. we all have it." *i dunno...we all have some weird triangular point at the top of our arch. it's like a backwards eyebrow...yes. i have backwards eyebrows.*
"no, but yours is so bare."
"yeah..."
"you pluck it? you're gonna end up plucking it off, then having to draw it back on, like your gramma"
"i don't pluck it!"
"you don't pluck it?"
"i meant yeah, i pluck it. irr...hm."
"i'm just saying, they look nice"

??
did you follow that?

i feel so boring lately. i think it's a good thing though. it's relaxing.

what the hell am i talking about?
aaaaaahahahahhaaaaaaaa

i can't believe snoop dog has porno movies. i wonder how hard it is to change your name. i'm sure snoop dog just started calling himself that. and same with madonna. and same with cher. i'll change mine to....hm...wait a minute..i remember doing this in grade nine. and the name i chose was wilma. or was it bertha? i think it was bertha. bertha. hahahaha.

sorry berthas.

but really. is it just me, or do other people always think "big bertha" when they read bertha?

why can't i stop typing bertha? aaagh it's a disease!

bertha.

i have that feeling because the way that person acts around me has suddenly changed. to the worse. we got along well before, but now it seems like they are ... i dunno...more rude, and more...snarky?

but they seem like the kind of person who'd come up and confront me. yet, they'd understand that it's not really any of their business. so they might not want to admit that it bothers them. honestly, if they came up and told me they read this, and acted all huffy and mad, i don't think i'd have a reaction. even though it's about MY blog, it doesn't really concern me...how my blog makes them feel. which is...something. not really arrogant or anything like that, but...a little ignorant? not even that. something bad though. ah vell. worse things have happened before.

either way, this doesn't change the fact i have an early morning tomorrow. so..

totally rewritten scisoc presentation tomorrow. instead of 5 drugs at a bar, it's not 5 drugs in a beauty pagent. a little frustrated about all that. but otherwise, today was a pretty great day.

explain more sometime later.
p.s. shad valley applications due next week?!?! whaaaa?! if annie hadn't offhandedly mentioned this, i probably would not have applied. i'm still debating if i should apply or not...andrew went, and he said not to go unless i'm chosen to work with one of the partners for the other half of the summer. but that means i'll have no summer at all. plus the placements they had to offer look pretty dull...think more later.

i think someone in my class found my blog.

that's not good...

and i'd say who i think it was, but they're probably reading this.

this is a scary situation...

"dradle dradle drade
i made you out of clay"

i got the jack johnson cd today.
and pearl jam's vitology. is that vitaology?noo.. maybe vitalogy...i could check. i could do a lot of things.

my mom is out buying groceries for me. what a nice lady.
i went winter coat shopping today, only went into one store, tried on a really nice coat, didn't buy it. that's the way things go.
lion king was nice.

hm..yeah. overall, i'm a spoiled little biotech.

why do my eyelids get so swollen and puffy the day after i cry? not right after, only if i sleep after crying.
when it's really bad, my lips get huge too. i wonder...they turn all spongy and weird. my eyelids, i mean.
it doesn't happen to anyone else, i don't think. i remember victoria and emma telling me on seperate occasions that it happens to them too, i think. maybe it's an asian thing. it doesn't happen to my mom though..

i'm really worried about biotech. i was dubbed "team leader" officially now, because i guess you have to choose someone to be that when you apply to the competition. in a way, i'm glad, but i'm also worried that now my group is going to think that since i'm the "leader", it's okay for me to keep doing all the work myself. andrew said "cool, that's awesome", cause i guess he regrets not entering the competition. then he said "not to scare you, but you know they throw out proposals left and right?"
i thought they accepted most of them...but no. he says that theyhave a university professor sit down with you, and grill you about everything slightly related to your topic. and of course, your topic. meanwhile, when i'm talking to my group about a chemical we're gonna use, they ask "what's that? is that the bacteria?" !!!! they dont' even know what's going on! and I barely know what's going on, because there's so many unanswered questions that we couldnt' find the answers to. i mean, we know to do something, but we dont' know why. and i'm just realizing now, all the mistakes i put into my proposal. and how ... absurd some parts sound. i mean, after telling andrew what my idea is, he said "so you're basically going to try to solve the fossil fuels depletion problem? and end pollution all together?". i can't get over how ... out there the whole project became. it does seem so unattainable, and expensive now. and we have to order stuff over the internet, and we dont' have a mentor yet, and gabe knows nothing about this topic and...

ugh. my group does nothing on their own. they don't even know what kind of crap we are in. they think it's all alright. monday, i'm going to tell them that we have to split up these jobs more evenly, because last week was really unfair. i was so pissed off thursday. it was my second day in a row i skipped lunch and praticum to spend my spares and lunches in the computer lab, working. and then heather walks by, and i say "heather..this needs to be done." and she goes "op..okay. well i guess jenna's gonna be by herself this lunch then." and FUCK. lunch was half done when she said this. the lazier they are, the more they're bringing the whole group down.

i'm really sad that i don't think we're going to be able to make one part of our project work. there's two parts, and the second part gets rid of the pollution we create from the first part. if the second part doesn't work, our whole project is stupid, because the whole point was to create a more environmentally friendly fuel cell.

i need..ugh. the mentors we try to get are never in the right field. it's too hard to find an expert in biochem, whose also an expert in physics. i'm so tired of everything. and i haven't even told you about what happened yesterday.

sci soc journals now, i guess...at least that's easy...

i feel like changing my template..too

i need a haircut, like no other. yeesh, it's been a while since the last time it was cut.

the phychiatrist thing was what i expected. he's a prof at UofT though, so we --

aaa rosco just landed on my head..his nails are too long..

--we talked a lot about universities. he told me what were the best medical schools, and i wasn't interested at all. is that a sign? hmm i'll think about it later. he made quite a big thing about me being chinese, and talked to me for the longest time about hong kong. i thought that was odd until i remembered my mom telling me he "specializes in chinese families". that's funny.

krystian always chews on a toothpick now. he does so many things for attention, it annoys me. he's kind of a ... well...if he were a girl, i'd probably not like him. does that make sense? yet he's a boy...so...i don't mind him?? no, this doesn't make sense..

damn, yesterday was such a stressful and frustrating day. from start to end. it ended with a big explosion, from me, but i feel better now.

then after i went to dinner with andrew, and my mom. it was cool being together again after so long, it made me miss last year a bit. i did university applications today. handed in bio tech. but trust me, my day was a lot more stressful than how it sounds, and i'm not talking about friends coming, or not coming, to toronto. i still feel too tired to talk about what happened yesterday, but i'll tell eventually. for now, i need to find my mom and tell her she doesn't have to worry about making plans anymore. don't feel bad laurie, this really is better than how it'd be before.

i talked to laurie on the phone today. her voice is...not what i thought it'd be. and yes, kevin bacon is ugly. especially in his footloose days.

dayna emailed me today (hello, again) and she said something about how the chain rule is hard. i hope that didn't mean that they're learning the chain rule now...that's frightning..but believable.

i sound so condenscending. just because i'm a nerdling from the nerdery. accept me!

i am seriously considering looking for tutoring jobs when i get back to st.paul's.
i seriously wonder if anyone will care, or trust me enough to ask me for help.

i feel like blowing them off and saying "oops..no time nor inclination to see you guys this time around...maybe later."

and i have a feeling i'm going to have to say that. ditched for homework. ouch. well could be worse. it could be for a guy. har har. "i date my homework! let's dance!". i feel so .. burdened. and yes, i'm still bitter. too bitter to change my nerderific imood indicator.

jenna's was useless, yet again. apparantly, laura told my group about my "amazing script writing skills" (we did the lysosome project together...aka the Lysosome Hunter) so i'm the designated script writer. which honestly, is a good thing cause the ideas they had before were...not so...well...yes.

but really, it's prolly because i did no research for this presentation of pharmaceuticals. so this is my big contribution. i've been biotech all week. bioclass felt so stupid and a huge waste of time. it pissed me off that gabe keeps taking time away from me completing work that he assigns.

now we're going to the zoo to study the animals, and to play with them?!?! whaa?

we got our human study reports back. remember? with the box that said not to look into it? yeah. kristine and i got 80%. he said he marked them easy. yet he didn't tell us what he wanted in the first place...and there was no rubric...no marks outline...

sometimes it feels like i've reached my academic limit. and no matter what i do, or how much time, or what i give up, i can't do any better. i wonder if there's such a thing as an academic limit. one that isn't affected by external stuff..just on the individual.

calc midterm felt okay. alexguy was upset afterwards cause he kept saying "ugh..if only i had studied". this from the guy who told me it's impossible to "study" for math.

gabe..angers me like no other. he's never around when you need help from him. which wouldn't bother me if he wouldn't tell us to go meet him, which he does, then doesn't show up. or shows up, but says to "wait a sec" and comes back half an hour later.
enough about that.

URG. my fly is open...again. the fly always comes down by itself with these pants. you know how it is.

the pharmaceuticals script sounds like a bad joke. there's 5 drugs at a bar. they banter with the bartender whose name is Hugh Manity. there's Viagra, Prozac(k?), Ritalin, Penicillin, and Rogaine. I'm bringing in my swim cap for rogaine. they're gonna peel it back bit by bit, so that by the end, they'll have hair again. I found numchucks in my towel closet. looks like my next presentation is gonna be about ninjas. that can't be how you spell numchucks. ah well. that's how i decided on what this skit would be about: by the costumes and weird clothes i found lying around. i found chris' old barbershop vest he never returned to sister's costumes. he used it for his shakespeare ballad in his OAC english. which was what...4 years ago? whoa...that must have been back when i was in grade 9. "must have been". i mean it was.

when josh heard what our script was about, he joked that if that were a joke, the drugs would say stuff like, Viagra: i'd like to lower HIS government's health care spending. ow ow!!
Prozac: yeah, i used to be a insecure and socially withdrawn..but now..*takes big swig of drink and loosens tie*
Ritalin: what'd you just say? oh my god, what's that? it's shiny! hey, do you smell that?? ew, taste this!

and it's funny because those are almost the exact lines in my script. and also because i think i said Ritalin's lines outloud tonight. but i wasn't acting...

i DO have to hand it to gabe though. he's giving us an extra night to work on biotech, and he's gonna drive the proposals to the company whose running it himself, during lunch.

*sigh*

i feel so unsatisfied and worn down. nothing feels good enough. i'm not going to be able to do anything fun with my friends saturday. it's going to end up that it's more like a daytrip of them in toronto, and me, meanwhile, doing homework at home.

i need my mommy. marrrr

hi dayna!

that reminds me. my mom's taking me to a psychiatrist on friday. before you say "finally! she's getting some help!" (ha. ha. ha?) it's not like that. it's mandatory and i need to for the whole...divorce thing. hey, i probably wasn't supposed to tell anyone that. ah well. publishing it out onto the internet sounds like the thing to do. i'm really not feeling like it though. i mean...i'm highly opposed. it's not going to do anything for anyone, and at best, it'll just make me upset and cry. at worst, i'll die. which probably won't happen.

oh god, reading back on stuff i wrote makes me tired, and makes me feel all crazy inside.

..??

i have that Blue song about the alien guy stuck in my head. damn. if a song like THAT can be successful, i should go to a record company and get them to air my farts on the radio. that'd be cool. they'd be all the rage at high school dances.

can you imagine, in 5 years, that happens. and people will have my farts stuck in their heads?

how long can i write about farts for?

nah, i'm not gonna try. what a relief, eh? (hahaha no pun intended)

anyways, i should stop before i hurt myself somehow.

sometimes rosco looks at me, and it's like i can tell what he's thinking. "whoa. sometimes i look at her, and i can tell what she's thinking" is what he's thinking.

looking at my last blog, i think
"wow...'i HAVE to get over 90 on it' ??!...ah well."

meh.

i told carson about the time we tried getting into some bars, but the bouncers laughed at our ids. laughed.
we ran away.

i went home, but apparantly some of them managed to get into a second city bar. but it was 7bucks a drink, so they didn't stay long.

bio test was pie.

gabe is impressed with the proposal we have

i'm not caring about the calc midterm tomorrow. honestly, unless i get over 90 on it (here we go again), it won't boost my mark. if it's lower than my lowest mark, mike said he'd ignore it. it's basically a make-up test, not an exam.

why is this keyboard so greasy?

alex guy had a nice bday celebration today. not enough to be amazing, but enough to make him happy, and enough to have funny photo oppertunities.

this friday we (haha we share brains now..we are one...ew..what's going on with me?) are gonna go see bowling for columbine. unless i'm going out to play on friday. which my mom still hasn't told me. then saturday..dammit..i just remembered. i was gonna saw i'd go xmas shopping with allison, but i might have friends over. i should put that in quotations. i still don't think they're coming down. no offense.

i don't see how anyone could take that offensively. ah well.

emma's gift is still here. in more than one way. actually, it's gone gross. well...not the actual gift, the part that i .... okay...i'll stop here.

i want to kick heather out of the biotech group.

i want to kick someone for fun. not out of malice.

last time i went to the Y, i found out i've lost about 5 pounds of muscle. that sucks. i sound like a thumb-head. but really, that sucks. i'm not gonna be able to do anything when i join the dolphins again.

anyways, back to calc i suppose. i hate "studying" for calc.

alexgirl was over here a while ago. she made me watch the bachelor. i haven't watched any tv in a long time, and yet the one time i do, it just HAS to be the bachelor. geez. that show is boring.

all i want to do is work on biotech all day. and learn some calc. mike is funny. i'm gonna miss him. glen was over today. over in bio class, i mean. we had a test. gabe is gonna get filmed as a documentary some guy is doing. it's supposed to be a case study on how good teachers teach for showing at the teacher's college. maybe my brother will have to watch it. gabe won science teacher of the year, so they're filming him. except he's more like a mr.storms of science. he's not an amazing teacher, he just does a lot for his students. oh well. i'm gonna be on tv. and that's all that matters. it was sad though, because gabe was up in the student's computer room looking over our proposal, and we were having i guess..intelligent sounding conversation, and gabe's like "umm...is it okay if we recreate this tomorrow for filming? this is good..."

hahaha i'd call him a loser but....oh well...what a loser.

we make fun of him cause he's this big ladie's man.

what an exciting blog.

i feel tired, but i feel like going insane and getting everything done. i have no funny stories for today. well let's see...ah yes. this is more sad than funny:

you know the jeans that are purposely faded in areas? (so lame...urg)

yeah..i have jeans like that. except when i bought them...they weren't faded....

i need new pants.

that is all.

i've been working since i got home. which was at around 4:00. no, that's a lie. i took a 10 minute break to have a non-sensical yet depressing conversation with laurie, emma, then laurie and emma. i found out i may have missed my grad photos. then found out i may have not. then i got kicked off msn by my shoddy internet connection. then i spent my last five minutes of that break to make instant noodles for supper (mm mm nutritious as a stick of crap). this is my 2nd break. i'm giving myself 3 minutes to blog, and to rant. but ranting takes a lot of energy.

everytime i think about it, i get more and more pissed off. it looks like i've screwed myself into a corner again. why do i keep doing this??

i have a biology test tomorrow. i HAVE to get over 90 on it. because i KNOW i know my stuff, but i've KNOWN i knew my stuff all the other times. gabe pissed me off like nothing else today. we got all confused by how in dna replication, it reads from 3 to 5 prime, but builds from 5 to 3 prime, yet when you look at it, it is all in the same direction. we wasted 30 minutes in class on that single statement, then gabe finally said "okay. leading strand builds from 5 to 3 prime. lagging eventually goes from 3 to 5 prime". then we get our quizzes back, and apparantly, gabe decided to mark my answers totaly opposite of what he JUST SAID. i even remember telling him i was confused as to which notation he wanted it in, but i knew the direction, i showed him. he said okay, this one. pointing to 3 to 5 prime. i say okay..and write that down. GUESS WHICH QUESTION I GOT WRONG!?!?!

shitty fuck fuck. kelvin just told me that we have another school dinner on thursday. how the fuck can they make us go out to dinner on a school night when they load all this shit on us at the same time?!!?

tomorrow is biology test, as mentioned.
day after tomorrow is calc midterm.
tomorrow night is:
-calc tutour for calc exam
-one of last chances to gettogether to work on scisoc project (assigned by gabe)
-very very last chance gettogether to work on biotech project (also assigned by gabe)

yet it is impossible to do more than one of those things in the same night.

today gabe said to me "you MUST get together wednesday night to finish this. it's the only way".
WELL FUCKING CHRIST, IT'S YOUR FUCKING FAULT I CAN'T GET TOGETHER ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT!!!
jenna and them went to complain to gabe. he said "too bad, suckers". only in his niceguy way.

i feel like crying. i didn't even know i was this upset.

it is 7:30 and...
-i am miles away from finishing revising the biotech proposal, which for some unknown reason, i am doing on my own. lisa and steph are at work till 9:30, and heather is "doing a little of studying for bio, and a little of biotech". liar. you're studying hardcore for bio and letting this proposal go to hell. it's a little of my fault cause after seeing the original proposal they wrote out, i don't trust them to know what the hell they're talking about. i wish i didn't come up with this topic. because it was my original idea, i feel like it's my baby, and that i should be all powerful, all controlling, and all assholish about it.

we still have no university prof to mentor us. we were rejected today by one. though it was a funny story, i dont' want to tell it.

-i have too much calc homework to do. i MUST practice if i have any hope of even keeping up my mark on the exam thursday. yet i have no chance to.

-i have no chance of studying biology for tomorrow. why the hell didn't lisa and steph just call in sick?! what the fuck. they act all upset and discouraged about this fucker of a project at school, then do nothing to help it. at school i have to suck it up, and try to keep them motivated about this, and they complain about it being a boring and dry topic. well the why the fuck did you want to be in my fucking group?!?! jesus. i don't care if you dont' like it.just don't complain and whine when i can't do anything for you.

i realized my friends (ahem shannon) prolly read this and think i'm having the worst time ever, and i hate everyone here. s'not true, but i'm not gonna get into all that.

jen's bday today. richard and josh got her a cake. it's alexguys' bday tomorrow. i told pple to get him a cake, cause even though i dislike hanging around him, i really really didn't want him to feel bad on his birthday. he's not so bad. he's just a guy who is...negative.

back to bio proposal...

hi you. oh you tease.

"what's new in the zoo?" - mike the swim coach.

ah mike. when will you learn? learn to stop wearing short shorts, that is.

that reminds me. gabe is gonna take us to the zoo, when we study animal behaviour in bio. lisa wants to be a vet...prolly a zoo vet, and she said "oh yea, cool. cause i know the zoo vet there." and everyone's happy and tells her to call him up, and to get him to take us behind the scenes. then lisa says "yeah, he has a tv show and everything. i watch it all the time. his name's graham. well...i haven't really talked to him. he doesn't know i exist. but i watch his show.."

my mom just told me that we are going to see lion king this weekend. that'll be nice. mike has been really chummy with me lately. i dunno why. ever since we got a picture taken together with him giving me a noogie. they showed it at parent's day. t'was a good time had by all. he's such a classic geek. gabe is kind of...pissing me off. there's so much i have to go through with him, but he's never around. but when i do finally get a hold of him, i want to bitch him out about so many things, but he's such a nice guy...i'd probably start to cry if i were mean.
"so what i'm saying is *sob* i just..*tear* i just think your tests suck and *snort sob* and i wish you'd learn how to be more to the point in your questions..*(sob)* now raise my marks beyotch!" (hehe biotech..the other day i saw a guy whose license plate was "BIO TEK". i was amazed, yet felt like slapping him for being such a geek. and for stealing my future vanity plate. jk.)

well...i just realized that lots has happened lately, but it's all school stuff. which is never very interesting. while at jenna's earlier tonight, to work on our newest sci soc presentation, andrea broke down. everyone who was there was : kristine, laura, andrea, and jenna. we're all in the same group. so andrea, laura, and jenna (plus annie) are doing the biotech project together. the proposal was due today, yet they just found out that they have to ditch their old topic, since they couldn't figure out a method. so when laura told andrea this, she just froze...freaked out..then started crying. it was such a lame scene, i would have laughed if i wasn't "aww"-ing like the dickens. which i tried not to do, since doing that just makes things worse. however, that didn't stop jenna, laura, and kristine from hugging andrea. laura started crying, and apparantly she was really upset at lunch (..hm...prolly why i didn't see her) and she was in the bathroom crying the whole time. but when they went to hug her..it was like...it was like they were posing, because it looked so...i dunno. fake, in a way. and although it was a group hug, they were--

--holy shit...scary noise upstairs..i don't want to check it out...hm..

--all facing me. i was sitting on the couch. i felt...mean for not running over and sobbing, and saying "oh we'll get through this, you and i!" because...well...honestly, i have been through that already. and i was just waiting for them to finish so we could get back to our sci soc presentation. which we never did, because it suddenly turned into a big gung-ho biotech research night. which was useless for me. so i went home. but anyways yeah. kristine and i looked at each other and smiled because we knew we'd gone through all the stages...

the first stage is denial, which is pretty short, as the fact that your average has dropped 20% is quite a kick in the assface. (ass face? hahaha...ew.)

andrea and laura (only recently having their marks drop) were at the "holy shit, i can't take this" stage. it includes lots of crying, and lots of self-pity.

jenna was ranting and raving about how unfair gabe is to give us all this work. that is the 3rd stage. soon she'll figure out there's nothing she can do which is..

the fourth stage! yaaay! (i bet you didn't see that coming). that's where kristine and i just passed out of. i was there last week. for example, when i got my biology test back, and didn't really give a shit about my mark. i probably would have reacted the same way if i'd failed or if i'd aced it.

fifth stage is when you start trying again, this time with little to no expectations. anything is good. and you try not to talk to anyone about marks. stages 1-3 is when you're all about comparing marks with everyone. by 4 and 5, you don't care, but you're a little scared of trying hard again. because if you don't try hard, that can be your excuse for not doing well. but if you try hard, and still do badly, it's because there's something wrong with you, or that you've reached your maximum, and can't do any better than that.

i wonder what the next stage is. spontaneous genius? sounds good to me!

mr.gomez told us that once. (not the genius part. the part about not trying being an excuse)

i can't imagine mr.gomez teaching at oscss. that'd be messed. because you always make fun of the teachers, and it's like they're just older students, not real teachers. but i'd be scared of him.

today my yearbook "personal write-up" sheet says:

Future plans: "A host at osc (you'll never get rid of me!!!)
If I hadn't made it to OSCSS..."i would drop out of school and pump the boyle's law exhibit everyday, especially on test days"

that exhibit is from hell. it's so noisy. it's just a foot pump, and handles. you hold on to the handles and pump the foot pump, then a liquid rises up a tube. but kids never read what it's for, they see something and their first instinct is to break it. if that doesn't work, do what it says until it breaks. if only the damn thing would break. it sounds like a heartbeat, and you can hear it in class. so during tests and exams, the kids pump it really fast, and you're reading a question and thinking "holy shit, when did we learn this?!" and the pumps go faster and faster until...

!!! heart attack !!!

*sigh* i wish. at least then i could re-write my tests.

Famous Last Words/ Additional comments:
"..." *pretending to be dead*
p.s. nerd camp is fun!

the pretending to be dead thing is inside joke with me and whoever else notices i do that. no, i mean jessica and lisa. i'm sure i've gone over it before, but i'll say anyways. see one day i was studying calc at lisa's with jessica too. we would get stuck on a problem and i'd just sigh and then go all limp, and close my eyes. i did it a few times till lisa asked what i was doing. i told her i do that ever since that time...

*me sitting at table, doing calc*
"ohhh craaaaaap! why can't you just be right?"
(i put my head down on table in dispair)
(i fall asleep instantly.)
20minutes later
"hm...ahh..."
calc done.

but last time i did that, i fell asleep for 2 hours, and ended up not doing any calc work. so now i just "go unconscious" and try to clear my mind. plus it's just funny. it helps. you do it for 2 seconds, then snap out of it. so lisa and jessica started doing it, and they say it works (hm..i should be charging you for reading this...). by that i mean they make fun of me constantly. but when lisa tried it, she had the hiccups, so she couldn't do it without looking dumb (which is impossible when you pretend to be dead everytime you're confused). we started saying we should do it in class when mike asks us a question, and we don't know the answer. then wake up and pretend nothing happened. i bet mike would act like nothing happened too.

so yes. yeesh. now that joke isn't funny anymore. poourns.

i almost finished filling out the write-up for robin.
Most Likely: To find the meaning of life (using Math, of course)
Quote: "SUPA SUPA!"
the REAL reason he/she got in: WE WANT YOUR BRAIN!! BWAHAHAHAHAHHA

way to not be creepy, eh?

from now on, oscss shall be known as "The Nerdery".

"we grow nerds! *snort* *push up glasses* *snort*"

"This Is Spinal Tap" is on tv. i should get my mom to watch that...

mam just called, from ttown.

she wanted to know what were the good channels on tv. she was excited cause she was gonna use the tv herself. that may sound weird, but since we used to live at home, the tv would always be on. all she needed to know was how to turn it off. she's gonna try teaching herself how to use the remote. i guess she's extra happy because she gets to relax and use the tv, and just veg.

lucky lucky.

i finished my calc (sorta. one question i couldn't get). and haven't done anything else today. i feel like i've earned the right to laze around and rot away. at least for an hour.

i made another salad. it wasn't as gross, but was very...cheesy...

this is the song i sing when i eat cheese strings:

cheese string *dana da da dana*
you make my heart sing *dana da da dana*
you make everything...cheesy..

cheesestring..i think i love you...

and...scene.
rip offs are fun. that was a rip off of a rip off.

i saw the most disturbing thing today. i literally feel sick. after i watched it, i thought i would vomit.

it was a video booth in the communications part of OSC. gabe wanted us to watch it because we were talking about controversial issues today in SCI SOC, and he wanted to teach us about ethics, and how to discuss things like that without being an asshole. so he was talking about bias, and how science can get out of hand. the 1st part of the video talked about how a man from london, prolly a prof at western did a study that basically said that by looking at various IQ tests done, he concluded that asians have the highest IQs, then caucasians, then blacks. it was pretty sad. that was just 20 years ago too. they showed footage from a public debate between him and david suzuki, and after he said his bit, the crowd was silent. then david goes up (yeah, we're on first name basis now) and he says, "i don't believe this research should be given any attention, nor be acknowledged in a public debate." he was mad, and the crowd cheered. lisa, who loves d.s, was like "oh david!!" haha.
anyways, to the part that made me want to throw up. they were talking about how some researchers believe that they have found the measurements for a face that gives the most symmetry, and that is expressed in most humans. so some might say that those are the "most human" features. then they said that nazis had done that years before. they slaughtered (along with jews) homosexuals, gypsies, the mentaly disabled, the diseased...what they called the "incurable". they said they used some as "disposable lab subjects" and showed one lying on a lab bench, with doctors crowded around. the "lab subject" had electrodes and such attached to him. then they said that they were used to study how different factors effect the human body. they showed real pictures of a living little person wearing the black and white prison uniform, then his skeleton from different angles. then they showed a succession of photos that were taken while a "subject" was placed in a chamber. the doctors watched him from a video as they lowered the pressure in the chamber. they were trying to see how low a pressure humans can take, so that they're pilots would be safer. the pictures went by really fast so it was almost like a video. his expressions were so horrific. then he died. i feel sick thinking about it.
i remember seeing that video before, the exact one, years ago. but i didn't see that part with the person dying. just...seeing him die....what a horrible death.

i was so shocked.

we talked all about over-population in scisoc. it sounds like the world's going to hell. medicine is really controversial, when you think about it. it's fighting against evolution, in a way.

i feel gross and dizzy. i'll blog more later if i feel up to it.

sunday is parent's day. each of the classes have to do a little skit/dance/presentation.

*to the tune of O Christmas Tree

Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches,
Oh Calculus; Oh Calculus,
To pass, what are my chances.
Derivatives I cannot take,
At integrals my fingers shake.
Oh Calculus; Oh Calculus,
How tough are both your branches

Oh Calculus Oh Calculus
Your problems do distress me.
Oh Calculus; Oh Calculus
Related rates depress me.
I walk toward lamposts in my sleep,
And running water makes me weep.
Oh Calculus; Oh Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.

Oh Calculus, Oh Calculus,
My limit I am reaching.
Oh Calclulus, Oh Calculus,
For mercy i'm beseeching.
my grades do not approach a B,
They're just an epsilon from D.
Oh Calculus, Oh Calculus,
My limit I am reaching.

believe it or not, there's more verses.

me thinks someone should have been doing calc homework, instead of composing that song.

we gave steve the robot guy his gift today. i thought he was gonna cry. i wanted a picture of him for our yearbook. he's so creepy. but really nice, and great.

kristine cleaned up my basement. and then some.

bio quiz was today. i think i did alright. i hate how gabe writes his tests/quizzes though. they're so vague. he always asks how something is done directly, but then you don't know what he means by directly, or direct relative to what.

remember that field study in the river behind OSC? we might get our data published in a U of T journal. that'd be cool. except they might not be able to get all our names in as contributors. i'll be all "hey i wrote that!" then someone will hear me and say, "she's lying! get 'em!" and they'll chase me with pitchforks and torches.

i think i'm gonna sell my brain when i get back home. i mean, i want to tutor calculus. it's fun. maybe i'll tutor bio too. hmm...10 bucks an hour? that's pretty cheap for a tutor, but then again, i'm only a high school student. i don't know if anyone would want my help, either. last year, when i coached my little NBA team, i was trying to organize a play. which is definately unheard of in little NBA. so anyways, i was explaining, and then one kid interrupts me and makes me promise to never become a teacher. what a punk. needless to say, none of them did the play.

during 4th period, while we were practicing our skits for parent's day, mike walked in holding a pitcher of water. except he was holding it by the rim, with his fingers in the water. lisa and i noticed he kept his hand in it the whole time, as if soaking it. turns out he burnt himself earlier, during a program (hahaha what a bum). we couldn't stop laughing though, because we both thought about that joke where you stick someone's hand in cold water to make them pee. so we were like, "mike...sorry but...that's not how it goes...you're not supposed to do it to yourself!"
then later, we saw him run out, with his hand still in the pitcher. we couldn't stop laughing. i guess it works.

i'm antsy. i want to get started on biotech. right now! aagh. gabe is always so busy. and mike is always not.

i feel like this is my last week at oscss. rosco is trying to bite the wire on the computer mouse without me noticing. he's sneaking up on it, inching forwards, then watching me for a little bit, then going up some more. oh no you don't..

my mom told me that a doctor died in trenton. he was out on a hunting trip, and they found him dead the next day. he was pretty big, so they thought maybe it was a heart attack. turns out he choked on a piece of bread. when she told me this, i was eating some bread. it's just so scary though. i didn't know him personally, but he used to hold huge xmas parties, and my family would go. i was really young, so i barely remember his face. his brother was a teacher at my elementary school though. i felt really bad. and i couldn't help thinking morbid things like, did he know he was going to die, while he was choking? was he scared? alone? did he regret going on the trip? if only he hadn't taken that one bite of bread. if only he'd waited to be around someone else, then they might have saved his life. what was his last thought? was it painful? was he cold?

i feel sad for him. i hope he's okay.

b and krystian are really jealous of our robot. krystian is more subtle about it, but b keeps trying to break it. it was annoying. kelvin almost yelled at him. it was funny, and a little scary.

annie is running the show for the yearbook. she made a big hand out for us to fill out stuff about everyone else in the class, and the teachers, and ourselves. they're pretty funny, like the "real" reason why they got into the science school (hehe my idea!) and "famous quote" and "weirdest quote". kelvin said the quote he wrote for me was "anal stick!!"

*sigh* what a great way to be remembered. anytime a memory involves the word "anal" and "stick" together, you know it's not good.

the other day, mike told me i was acting really different. i think it was cause i was loud, and yelled "i'm stephanie!!!" when he called me annie. he called me annie again today. he asked me a question, then finished with "right, annie?". it sucked, cause i was like "umm...yeah...the.." blah blah, and answered his question. then i said "but i'm ..stephanie.." in a really small voice. he didn't hear me, so i was like "hm. maybe i'll just let him call me annie from now on. it's not like i dont' know he's talking to me" (plus annie has a high mark in calc. hehehe) but then everyone was like "THAT's STEPHANIE!!!" and he acted surprised. "oh really?? YOU'RE stephanie?? then that means...YOU'RE annie!"
aaaaaaagh...i swear, calc ruins your brian

*ahem. brain.

i wonder what's going on this weekend. maybe i'll get a chance to go shopping. cd player? yeah, sounds good to me too.

i was talking to myself on the bus today. outloud. not even in hushed tones. actually, it was half to kelvin, who was kicking me (hm..that's not normal) but mostly to myself. "is this my stop? ah yes, tis. hmm...crap. i ripped my transfer. aww i'm so hungry. ow that hurt. oh crap, this isn't my stop! oh..it is. do do do. oh calculus, oh calculus! something something derivative...that's not how it goes...hmm"

and so on.

lol that went on so long. way to kill a joke, eh?

bye kids!

Emma says:
have you guys had any dances...
Stephanie says:
lol no
Stephanie says:
but have you heard about the "sprom"?
yeah i think you told shannon and i about the sprom. with the elbow touching
Stephanie says:
yeah
Stephanie says:
ick.
Stephanie says:
sprom. what a dumb idea
Emma says:
what's the theme? it'd be fun if it was a giant cell. and then the swirly streamers could be DNA.
Emma says:
hey that's pretty good.
Stephanie says:
...
Stephanie says:
try it out at your semi first, see how it goes
Emma says:
i'm dead serious too. i'd go!
Stephanie says:
probably@!
Stephanie says:
"emma, will you be the thymine to my adenine?"
Emma says:
only if you find a guanine for my cytosine.
Stephanie says:
ooo! fiesty
Emma says:
lol see! look how fun it'd be!
Stephanie says:
hahahaha yeah...
Emma says:
HEY. none of that. it's true! o god it'd be fun. than all the chairs could by ribosomes and coat check could be set up in the golgi apparatus

laurie says. and so i post.

The plaster dented from your fist in the hall where you had your first kiss reminds you that the memories will fade says:i have to go do homowork
The plaster dented from your fist in the hall where you had your first kiss reminds you that the memories will fade says:
bye
Stephanie says:
..

The plaster dented from your fist in the hall where you had your first kiss reminds you that the memories will fade has left the conversation.

Stephanie says:
homowork
Stephanie says:
lol
kiss me hard 'cause this'll be the last time that i let you says:
whoa
kiss me hard 'cause this'll be the last time that i let you says:
HAHAH homowork
kiss me hard 'cause this'll be the last time that i let you says:
hahahahahhaaa
Stephanie says:
lol
Stephanie says:
ahhhyes
Stephanie says:
the work of a homo is never done.
kiss me hard 'cause this'll be the last time that i let you says:
aww im the one joustin always has to face the next day lol
kiss me hard 'cause this'll be the last time that i let you says:
muahahha funny
kiss me hard 'cause this'll be the last time that i let you says:
but yeah.
Stephanie says:
yeah what?
kiss me hard 'cause this'll be the last time that i let you says:
yeah.
Stephanie says:
yeah?
kiss me hard 'cause this'll be the last time that i let you says:
YEAH
Stephanie says:
yeah.
kiss me hard 'cause this'll be the last time that i let you says:
yeah?
Stephanie says:
mm...yeah.
kiss me hard 'cause this'll be the last time that i let you says:
yeah!
kiss me hard 'cause this'll be the last time that i let you says:
you can blog that lol
kiss me hard 'cause this'll be the last time that i let you says:
it was dumb but humorous
Stephanie says:
blog THIS!
kiss me hard 'cause this'll be the last time that i let you says:

Stephanie says:
aww

kiss me hard 'cause this'll be the last time that i let you says:
eddie murphy song! get outta my head!
Stephanie says:
out damn song! rapstian!

christian rap = rapstian. rapstian = evil sounding word.
rape sebastian = rapstian
christian rap = crap

shannon looked asian in that last picture, julia. the snowy one..

freaky.

anyways, i must say that josie is quite the trendsetter.
tra la la

i'm wearing a black (black!) labcoat i "borrowed" from OSC. it's cool. but a smidgen too big. ah well. i'm gonna wear it as a housecoat from now on.

ahhh...they're playing that old treble charger song..

not the friend of mine one..the other one...it seems to suit my mood. in that weird musical way.

I close my eyes
I don't wanna find out how she died
Foolish pride
You can't expect to turn away tonight

You've seen the last of me
Don't have to take my hand
You shouldn't try so hard
So hard to understand

I've seen the end
Just waiting for me
No time to spend
To doubt a moment


hm...lyrics seem to take away slightly from the way it mirrors my life. ah vell.

wow, i didn't realize they played so many songs i liked. buy cd? yes, i'd imagine so.
whatever happened to age of electric? didn't they turn into another band? then another? then i lost track/interest?

that was amazing.

and by that i mean dumb and pointless.

i miss the years when i was just starting to listen to my brother's music. that was back when it was popular too...
one of my favourite memories is one summer morning (aka..1pm) when i was lying in bed, looking out the window, and everyone was home, but it was really quiet. chris was in the sitting room, across from my bedroom, teaching himself the guitar for the first time. he was using his original red guitar, and was playing bush's (back then: bush x's) "machinehead". over and over, but it sounded really good.

i think that was the first time i admitted to myself that i thought he was pretty cool. but they'll never know! bwahaha

lol. i'm a poourns. i'm glad we get along now. i think it has to do with how none of us live together right now. it'd be awesome to go to waterloo when chris was still there. he might even be my don! ...which wouldn't be as cool, actually. haha

i told kristine i didn't want her to stay over.

but she is going to anyways. for the 2nd time in a row. damn you human study. we have to finish it for tomorrow. and guess what? she's no where to be found.

today was a good day, i just got really frustrated in bio. gabe is never free to ask questions to, so i'm self-teaching, but it's hard when the book uses different terms than what he uses, and if you don't understand one thing, sometimes the rest gets messed up. plus...people were....less than pleasent...

the basement and kitchen are a mess. she took my aunt's nice saucers and used them as PAINT TRAYS.
what the fuck is she doing? i made her promise to clean everything up, including the paint spot in the carpet. of course, it's not done, even though she skipped school today to do some dumb shit at her old school. she told me she was gonna take a shower..i haven't been upstairs yet...but i bet i can expect to see my room in a big mess, after her pawing through my drawers, and using my makeup.

dumb piece of shit.

to give her some credit, last night was almost fun with her here. she knows her way around here now, which is good and bad. she'd just better clean the fuck up.

alex guy is the biggest loser i know. he's the kind of loser who isn't a loser by definition, but a loser in the way that he's pathetic and a big bragger. seriously, you have no idea. he's not even subtle about it. "yeah, i have a 95% average in calc now, so i'm .. satisfied". of course he says this after i ask lisa to calculate my average, and it ends up being somewhere around 78. "the only thing i have to worry about is bio." he got a 77 while i got a 70. fucker. lisa goes, "can we dissect fetal pigs in bio? i never did it before, at old school." alex: "I DID IT TWICE!"

...please...just...fuck...the hell...off...aaaaagh!! how can anyone be friends with someone like that?!

yesterday, while heather and alexguy were over at my place, working on the DNA model, we were talking about university. i said something about how i wanted to study neuroscience, maybe become a neurologist or neuroscientist, but i didn't want to jump right into a program like Health Science, cause then i'd be worried it would be too early, and i would get sick of it. you know? too much of a good thing. then alex says : "yeah, sometimes i talk to people, and they talk about how they want to be doctors, or med school, or whatever, and in my mind i think ' there's no way you can do that. you're not good enough '"

draw your own conclusions.

whatever though. it's true. sometimes i think that too. about people who are too ambitious. to be honest, now that i'm thinking about it, i don't know if B or alex could be doctors. maybe yes, maybe no, but i know they'll have a hard time. yet at the same time, i'm thinking maybe i can be one. that, i doubt now. i don't even know if i want to be one. i dont' think i care enough anymore. maybe i'll do research...or teach...
*sigh* all jobs sound so boring. i don't want a job.

when i say i'm looking into going to McMaster, people always assume i'm applying to Health Science. not because of me, but because apparantly, if you're into science, and you want to go to mcmaster, you MUST be just DYING to become a doctor.
now i know what chris meant. and yes, it is pretty annoying.

AGH. SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE TO GO NEXT YEAR!! WILL I DO WELL?? CAN I HANDLE IT??! WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!!?

jen got 35 on the calc test, and lisa got 38. i'm so proud of lisa, you have no idea. it's awesome, she deserves it.

i feel sick. i made some stirfry mushrooms. i'm all about the stir fry now.

kristine better get here soon...

did i mention she left all the lights on, and the tv and stereo on?

having her come over sometimes has made me realize how glad i am that i don't have a sister.
girls can be annoying.

guys can be jerkasses.

today we talked about sex-chromosome mutations. ie. hermaphrodites and such. since i can't stand girls or guys, i think i'll go seek out a few of them.

just kidding. that was dumb.

oh poor me. my life is horrible. i have my own house, a healthy family, my own clothes, and abundant food. what a terrible existance.

givin' a little chatty chat to shannon.

she talks like me. i never noticed before. it's weird..err...cool.

maybe i talk like her.

you'll never know...

UGH. what's going on with me?! what mood is this?! am i mad?? happy?? whistful?? upset?? tired?? *sigh*. why do i want to find out so badly??

i was reading laurie and emma's blog, and noticed the little quizzie thing they had on theirs.

as i read, i was thinking of what i'd my answers would be.

one of the questions was: do you believe in love?
what kind of a lame-ass question is that?
yeah, then i though, hmm...i don't think i do. at least not the romantic. there's only varying degrees of infatuation, obsession, and enjoyment of good company.

i feel like talking to someone. but not anyone, and i don't want to be around people. i just want to have a heart-to-heart with someone.

*sigh*. sometimes i feel like something's missing. maybe i'm tired, or maybe i need more groceries, or maybe i need something more profound than that. i wish i knew what it was, but i'm also revelling in my ignorance. if i knew what i needed/was missing, i'd probably obsess over it until i got it.

'an dat's no goo!

a hoy crap.

this dashbored boy is really getting around.

hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaineedalife.

no, but this dashbored confessional guy's face is really popping up all over the place.

there will be a big uproar soon. "i discovered him first!"
"sell out!"

madness! sheer madness!

goodbye one-eye.

how i loved that taco bell commercial.

"ONE AHH!!"

as i was cleaning up the dishes, i noticed there were three tiny pieces of meat, and two chunks of red pepper left in one of the main serving dishes.

it's hilarious how the last person to take food from that plate probably didn't want to feel bad for taking the last bit. so they left a tiny biteful in the dish. eventhough the last little bit wouldn't be worth the effort to scoop up.

alexguy is scared of rosco.

kristine wants to come over tomorrow. since the last time we got nothing done, and i got quite pissed off, i don't want her to. i'm sick and tired of having people over. alexgirl slept over yesterday, cause she couldn't study calc at her house - it was moving day. but it's no use. it looks like tomorrow is going to be having alexguy and heather over so we can work on our DNA model. shit. way to put stuff to the last minute.

i should use tonight wisely, and get a headstart on homework.

eh. oh well.

"oh...my...god, becky look...at..her..butt. it is so big. she looks like one of those rap guys girlfriends. but, who understands those rap guys. they only talk to her cause she looks like a total prostitiute. i mean, her butt, it's so big..so round. it's so out there. gross. look! she's just so...black!"

i love reciting that song in a regular voice, as if in a casual conversation.

not to myself, of course.

..?

what is it about the charlie's angels soundtrack that brings girls together?

eww..i made myself a salad...and somehow it doesn't taste good...urrgg...tell me, how do you mess up a salad?

on a good note, i did manage to make a delicious meal tonight. black bean mystery meat, with red peppers, with noodles and choy sum veggies.

i think it was beef.

ah yes, and vegetarian dumplings for the vegheads.

anyways, yeah, back to the charlie's angels soundtrack.
during the quebec trip, it was all about "heaven must be missing an angel." and now with allison, it's always "you make me feel like dancin'". oh dear. how i do love that song. heart's "barracuda" always reminds me of emma. i think it's because (well..i know it's because) i remember when the soundtrack first came out, she sent me this chain letter/survey thing, and it said "what's your favourite song/album?" and she said "right now, it's the charlie's angels one. especially barracuda, and tangerine speedo."

hey. tangerine speedo reminds me of her too. ...ew..hahahaha just kidding...or am i? (let's hope so.)

not that there's anything wrong with speedos. i wear speedos. that is, the speedo brand swimwear.
i had speedo sandals, and someone laughed at me. hm. if only i could remember who...*hits fist with open hand..*

those *action* things are lame. yet useful. and pratical, and attractive! buy 5 now, for the price of 3!!

...what was it? ah yes. okay, so today while we were waiting for our DNA results, allison and i both broke out in song. except it was the "you make me feel like dancin'" song. then we froze, and we both said "twins!". allison then said that that'd be the perfect intro to a lame sitcom. "science brought them together...and the charlie's angels song created the bond! identical twins...who look nothing alike!"

you see, allison is a tall, white redhead. freckly. i am...not.

we ate drumsticks today. that reminds me, i owe her money. ah well she ate at my house. so i'll suppose we're even. stingy? yeah, i spose.

it's sad how i can remember emma's almost exact words to a chain letter written almost 2 years ago, yet i can't remember what i learned friday in biology.

ieee...

someone found my site by searching for ...

that made me wonder...someone else from my class, can probably find this site the same way, but with 41 instead of 29...

that wouldn't be good...hmm...

today was dinner night, and was also my turn to host it.

Alex guy: seemed to be pissed off about how i clip two holes in my milk bags. he went on forever about it, and it was almost like a rant. as if he was offended. i was getting annoyed, good thing he stopped. today, we were talking about milk, and i said something like, "yeah, i don't like those soy milks, or the lactose-free ones." cliff and alex both gasped (literally) when i said the thing about soy milk. then alex says (listen to this!) " well it's not really milk. it's just soya---well it's not milk of soya. and it's not lactose-free. it's that it's got 'lactase' in it".

argh. shut up!

cliff didn't gel his hair today. heeheehee..
he's such a "guy's guy". you know?
that could be interpreted in two totally opposite ways.

anyways, alex guy came over, so did josh, robin, allison, steph w. and lisa. everyone was invited, but we just weren't telling anyone, since we wanted everyone there, but we didn't want 27 people there. so josh told me some people were kind of hurt, but meh. they'll live for another day. i feel bad, but there's nothing i can do till tomorrow, which i will then do something to make them feel better.

heather was supposed to come, but something's gone wrong with her relationship with josh. which must be very awkward as they live in the same apartment (they're from out-of-town too). so josh calls her, and i guess he didn't get a hold of her. she calls back, asking to talk to jenna. i say she's not here, but i remembered josh called, and so i asked if she wanted to talk to him. she said no. josh was in front of me and said, "oh it's heather?? cool, can i talk to her?" and yet at the same time, heather's telling me she really really doesn't want to talk to him. so i'm there, with josh looking at me with these sad eyes, that say "why are you keeping me from my girlfriend???" so you can imagine me trying to explain to him what just happened.

later, he asks, "what was with that? women..i tell ya..." but you could tell he was trying to play off his hurt. i felt bad. but really, he sort of deserves it. there's this girl jen. i've talked about her before. he and she flirt...hardcore. it's ... a little...well. if you ever brought it up to them, they'd probably say something like "oh be more mature. we're just friends". but seriously, you can tell something's going on there. or would have gone on, if it wasn't for heather. they're both really big flirts. so heather's really cool, and today during the DNA fingerprinting, she was talking all openly about it, to a few pple. krystan told her about the time the same thing happened to him. "what happened?" she asked. "well...um....we broke up..and she started dating him a month later..". yikes. nice, krystan. she has already mentioned it to him before, and she said it seemed like he got the message, and she's sure he would never do anything like that, but the fact that he still acts the same way reflects that he doesn't respect her feelings.

i stole jen's "i love math" pencil. and lent it to alex girl for good luck, cause jen's amazing at calculus.

calc test wasn't so bad. but then again, i'm slowly getting used to doing worse and worse. which is alright...so i'm doing the same, but feeling better about the tests. actually, i saw a glimpse of my half-marked test today, as i walked by mike's desk, and i got 9/10 and 9.5/10 on the first two questions...which is great, but a little worrying, since i don't know what i could have done wrong in them..

mike couldn't even solve one of the questions he put on the test. what is he doing?!! *sigh*

so what else happened. yeah, alexguy annoys me a lot. i'm getting good at ignoring aggrivating people.

there isn't much more to say, though today was sort of interesting

no homework. no new homework, i should say.

we did a DNA lab today. it was alright, but mine didn't work. i didn't get to see mine. ah well. boo hoo.

tata

i feel pretty good. so far i've been moderately productive.

calc ass is done (i love giving my assignments and reports funny names. this one was about optimization, so i called it "Optimize THIS!!". i also enjoy calling assignments asses, quiet walks on the beach, sunsets, walking on fluffy carpet...)
i did a bit of the human study report (chi tables? we have to use chi tables. and i have no idea what they are. google for me..)
did one calc question..and got the right answer! yaaaaay! (this one i'm most proud of. especially because i did it at 2am yesterday)

..aw damn. i shouldn't have written out that list. now it seems like i haven't been that productive at all. boo.

ah yes. i managed to pull a "sesamethestalker" and find the email address of a university researcher in Bristol off the internet, who has created a really good microbial fuel cell. i'm gonna email him and ask him for the answers to my homework. (kinda)

it's frightening how you can pinpoint the exact address of someone, over the internet. and how you can tell stuff like how long someone spent at a site. that's what i'm doing right now to you. i'm doing it for the pretty little box icon they give me!

so what else. please tell me i did more this weekend than just that...

i cooked a dinner. that's pretty neat.

i had a chat with vic the hockey stick today. she sounds like a big party-animal now. actually she just goes to parties. which, when compared to before, suddenly makes her a big hooligan in my eyes.
i'm jealous that my friends at home went out together. that sucks ass. because i want to be there. hooligans.

i like the word hooligan. i called a calc question a hooligan the other day, because i couldn't solve it. i think it was subconscious, because i was surprised when people told me what i'd just said.

*sigh*

i'm off to call steph and lisa, to see if i can come over so we'll finish the biotech proposal.

i cooked my own dinner tonight. my first dinner that wasn't pasta, and that actually involved real cooking.

how'd it go? well...i feel like i want to barf. and i eat anything.

someone tried to spell out : "beyotch!"

and i read it as: "biotech!"

*sigh*

i just realized that i really miss having my brothers around because when i get upset at someone/something, and it seems like i'm the only one who gets pissed off and that maybe something is wrong with the way i'm thinking, i 'll tell them what's going on, and they help put things in perspective, and tell me that yeah, that is pretty dumb, or yeah, that'd make me mad too.

i like how telling them stuff makes life my life sound funnier too.
i.e.: creeping out jenna just now.

i miss last year.

i got alex-guy hooked on scrubs.

hehehe. that show is my luvah.

i never get to watch it though. patrick comes over every thursday from 8-9. who is patrick? why, my giggalo!

...as in my calc tutor.

i guess he's really busy, and the only time i can see him is that time. which is probably because everyone else is watching scrubs!! aiieeee! *falls down hole*

now if only i can figure out how to work the vcr..

i think rosco sprained his foot! he landed on the fax machine, and slid into the little slot where the fax comes out. his foot got stuck, and he tried to fly, but couldn't, so started freaking out, and when he got out, he was still flapping his wings, but he fell in the tiny gap between the computer and fax machine. then he flew out, landed on my shoulder. then he flipped out again, and went around the room a few times before coming back. now he's staying off that foot, and when i hold out my finger, he just taps it with his hurt foot, then pulls back. it would be funny minus his pain.

heather called to see what's going on with our DNA model, and when we can get together to finish it. it was a good example of why i don't like using the phone. it was a little awkward. we get along, but we don't really talk. so there were many strange pauses, and i don't know why they were there, considering she wasn't calling just to say hi or anything.

anyways, i'm going to call shannon now. this new layout is kind of hard to read. can you tell what it says in the little boxes in the upper right corner?

we went to the CN tower again yesterday. Everytime we are downtown T.O., we always end up going to the CN tower. we were supposed to go to karaoke, but i guess minors aren't allowed to make fools of themselves too. (at least not officially)

you'd think that after 2 marriages, and many a public relationship, you'd learn to love your privacy. don't you think?

i'm starting to feel like i'm not appreciating this oscss thing enough. well..that was a poor choice of words. i mean that i'm starting to realize that i actually am going to miss this when it's over.

krystan is too creepy for words. today, he said "what if i were serious about all this, and you just kept rejecting me?".

jenna didn't get a nose-stud. i find everyone more annoying by the day. but at the same time i'm getting more tolerent too. so it balances out nicely.

i think B is bi-polar. that kid is so disillusioned about the world...yet he thinks he's totally set for anything. ah well. he'll learn someday..

man, i want to play the sims. i was so addicted last summer. geez, i was addicted to a lot of things last summer. and all of them being associated with geekiness.

we went to a jazz club yesterday and we got kicked out. we were too loud. we deserved to be kicked out, but jenna took it all personally. the more she'd rant about how rude they were to ask us to be quiet, the more i'd want to ditch her.

steph w. freaks me out. why does she always stare at me? kristine said she always stares at her too. i think she has a fascination with asians. she always talks to me about our name, as if i haven't figured out that they are the same yet. *sigh*. no, it's okay. i make it sound like that makes her a horrible person. it's my problem.

yesterday, amanda said, "you know steph, i have no idea how i could ever have gotten you and annie mixed up before. you guys look nothing alike!" *no duh. you could have fooled me. i thought we asians all looked alike.* lots of agreements all around. since hearing that some people think all asians look alike, i've been really sensitive to when people mix us all up. it's different if they call me lisa, who is italian.

one day, someone asked me how many non-whites there were at my school. i included italians as non-whites, and they said "no, they are white too". but josie isn't white..and it was then that i fully understood the incredible insanity that is judging people by races. what the hell? i have lighter skin than jo, yet she's white? and so on. i want to expand on this, but i .. well actually i don't feel like it. sorry. i lied.

jenna was describing why she didn't get a nose stud, and she said it was cause the piercings guy was really eager to do it, and was pressuring her a lot. her words were, "he was this little...pakistani man, and he really wanted me to do it!"

why did we need to know he was pakistani? how did she know he was pakistani? did she ask? was he wearing a sign that said, "i'm brown, so that means i'm pakistani"? that must be what it was. because otherwise, she's a fucking idiot. which she must not be.

that's like how people talk about asians, but refer to them as "chinese people". i hate that.

do you think i had the right to be pissed off in this case? ...
we were looking for a place to eat, but we were in little korea. i couldn't understand why everyone kept complaining about hunger pains, yet kept not wanting to into any of the restauraunts. finally, we hit yonge street, and there was a nice italian restauraunt called the "plum tomato" on the corner. we went there. as we sat down, i said "finally!" and jenna said, "yeah, i was like, 'oo! a place where i can read the sign! let's eat there!'". more agreements all around. except from me. i didn't know how to feel, what to think.

the racism i encounter is rarely outright racism. it's always little nuances where i'm not sure if it's a misunderstanding, or if it's glimpses into what they really think; slips of tongue. angry. coughing dog. not working!

kristine and i did a Human Study for Sci Soc class. we had a box with a hole cut into it, and made a sign saying "do not look inside". we put the box out and recorded how many people looked into/glanced/ignored the box. then we put the sign up, and did same thing. you can prolly guess the results.

it was fun though. a lot of people saw us looking at them, and one girl walked by, stopped, said, "it's psychology!", then walked away. one guy kicked the box. some people reached in, hoping there was money inside. a lot of people said "that's dumb!" "it's a test!" "those girls are staring at me!".

kristine says she's not acting like herself here. she feels like she needs a change, and that's why she wants to diet, and wants to change herself and is being all insecure lately. eh. i tried to be understanding, and i think i was, but .. eh.

haha i obviously wasn't understanding.

since coming here, a LOT of people have been shaken, and don't think they can take science in university anymore. which is sad, but sometimes... true. a lot of people have decided to become nurses. i don't want to be a nurse. i don't think i could take all the talking-down and stress from doctors. doctors can be such assholes.

they make it sound like university is impossible, and that no one ever succeed in it (how many c's in succeed? suceed..succed...nah that's not it..) but people do!

i don't want to talk to anyone ever again. i wish i could go through one day and see what it's like to not be around people. i wonder if i'd like it. rosco is being cute, fluffy, and smelly.

is it wrong that i like eminem's new song?

haha just kidding. i mean, i do. ..??

lisa had a friend come down from welland yesterday. she was alright, a little quiet, but i'd be too in her place. after being stupid in the CN tower (again), lisa said to me, "sometimes i want to slap you because you make me act so weird around you, and you're weird too!"

i took it as a compliment, then after a while, it started sounding like an insult...i still don't know.

i really want to do research in nerve cells. so badly.

when i grow up...how's the rest of that song go?
anyways, when i grow up my job must involve:

-teaching
-money..lots and lots of it. (jk)
-respect
-challenges
-variety
-sometimes people...sometimes work on my own
-new discoveries (i.e. research)
-public speaking
-occasional piano playing (..joking. yeah yeah...)
-helping people in a big way, in a way that they can't help themselves with
-having collegues
-needing post-graduate education (why is that important? i dunno..)
-writing

hm. hard to believe you read through that list. did you try to think of a job that encompasses all that? yeah, neither did i.

i was being whiny yesterday. bad stuff.

biotech proposal is due monday. model of dna due wednesday. human study report due wednesday. lorenzo's oil questions due monday. calc test monday. science in society presentation due thursday. two more journal articles due friday.

aw shannon called and left yet another funny message. i shall give her a callin' -back for. (that was a wierd mix of lingo..)

i can't believe how fast i'm being forced to grow up. and in so many ways. by different people. i did some heavy-duty-university-program-narrowing-down last night, at 2am. i couldn't sleep. i might go look at McMaster in 2 weekends with some people from oscss. i'm sort of interested in their funny problem-based arts and science program, but i'm scared cause my average has dropped at least 20% since coming here, and that i won't like the way they teach it, and that i won't be able to handle arts and science. if i go anywhere else, i'll probably take a life sciences or biology program. i need to find out the big difference between those two though..

i was looking at the people in the university application brochure, and they look so old. yet they're only 1-2 years older than me. that'll be me in less than a year. i'll be in freaking university.

agh! save me coughing dog!

that reminds me, i never told you the story about the coughing dog. the 1st time we went out to the CN tower, allison and i were crossing the street, and a dog coughed at us. i know they cough, but it sounded so human. it was almost like he was just clearing his throat, and was going to ask us for some grey poupon. so on monday, i was mad about the latest calculus problems, and allison said, "everytime you're angry...just think about the coughing dog."

it works!

on the calculus test day, when i'm stuck on a question, i'll cry out, "save me coughing dog!" and he'll come along, and cough out the answer. *cough17cough*. he's mah hero!

i wonder who would in in a fight between headbanging rosco and mysterious coughing dog.

i think it'd be a tie. but a messy tie.

time to do some laundry. the pile of dirty clothes is so bad, it's a danger to society.
i learned how to play mah-jong. the real way. it's fun, and i even win sometimes. my gramma wouldn't be proud. she's always been glad she doesn't play mah-jong, since it's a gambling game, and lots of people gambled away their savings. that's why she never taught my mom, i guess. but it's fun. apparantly, it's just like rummy.
my Big Two game is coming along nicely too. it's just like a mix of poker and asshole.

save us coughing dog!

i chip away
cause i'm not ok
so i
i chip away
poked a hole right into myself
and inside i found someone
who said i was ok
still i don't feel easy

on this tree
among the blossoms

caustic ally

i am the thorn
close my eyes to take up spare time
i wish i just
could be where the crowd goes
with the crowd
they must be going somewhere

"Chip Away" - Jane's Addiction

hmm

a new-found love for:

biting pencils. i love the feeling of my teeth sinking into the wood.

crazy, anyone?

kristine is too shallow. i couldn't stand her today.
i'd get into it, but i'll just do a little summary.

other than dissing gary behind his back, because she's a fucking insecure wannabe miss-popularity.

i don't care if you come over, and accidentally forget to clean up after yourself, or at least put back things you took, but seriously. she doesn't even care. what the fuck? she'd go through my stuff, come downstairs wearing it, then throw it in some random room, and not get off her prissy little ass to put it back.

everything she was saying made me want to slap her. how can anyone be so incredibly superficial and stupid?!

it put me in a bad mood. and made me realize that i don't really have any respect for anyone here. most of the people i find are really ditzy and socially stupid. not in the loser way, but in the "i want to be the one all the girls want to be, and who all the guys want to be with" kind of way. while watching "Lorenzo's Oil" in scisoc today, they kept giggling when the boy was going through seizures, or choking on his saliva. dumbasses. i'm really glad i'm not any of them.

i wish i could only hang around laura, allison, lisa, jessica, alexgirl, and krystan, but too bad. i think lisa feels the same way as me.

my new scisoc group (out of many) is : laura, kristine, jenna, and andrea. other than laura, this seems like the ditziest group possible. i think i'll pass out from the light-headedness.

i'm being overly harsh, but i don't give a shit. i like acting the way i want to act, and judging people the way i want to. i'm not going to go out and be a bitchass to them, but at least i don't have to flip out if they don't treat me like a queen (i'm talking to YOU kristine.)

kristine is such a fucking idiot. i can't get over it. i thought that by coming here, i could get away from people like her, but i guess not. understandable, though.

it's hilarious. she's one of the people who thinks she can become a doctor if she wanted to. idiot.

i hate self-righteous people who don't know what the hell they're talking about. what's with that!? what are you trying to prove?

i want to go to OSCSS in the morning, then an art school in the afternoon. i can't take all this...THIS all the time.

university sounds more like OSCSS everyday.

alex is an alright guy.

kristine still thinks cliff and i should go out. she's a loser. i think she wants him, and is waiting for me to say "no! YOU and cliff should go out!". tough shit. jenna was doing that to her about krystan, and kristine was falling for it. then kristine kept complaining about her ugly toes, her tiny ass, her jiggly inner thighs, her light eyebrows, her zits..and ON and ON! aaagh. fucking loser. the only way to make her stop would be to say "noo, you're perfect! i'm jealous!" but my ass i'd ever do something like that. i hate insecure girls. what the fuck is wrong with everyone. why can't they be normal. is that too hard? i miss the people i like.

i bet next week i'll be going on and on about how much i love everyone here. watch me.

i bet everyone would act different if this were an all-girls' school. that's a pretty obvious assumption, but sometimes i wish it was. i mean, boys are great, but when guys and girls are together, they're usually impossibly annoying.

i wonder if it'd be different if we were all OAC's. because the OAC's are the less annoying people. but can one year make that much of a difference?

i pratically did all the fucking work for friday's Human Study with Kristine. i got fed up, and now she has to finish it. except that i know i've screwed myself over because she's a dumbass and will go half-assed on it.

do i take that back? not a chance.

i hate everything.
especially people.

on a high note, i did chinese bowl praticum for an hour today. it was fun. i love praticum. i think i'm getting better at my "crowd control". i wish i could do praticum all day. that's mostly why i want to be a host.

this new layout is a pain.

why's it take so long to do anything?!

i guess this new layout still has some stuff to fix up, but seeing as how i have an early class tomorrow...

ta-ta friends.

well..new layout.

i loved my old one (as much as you can "love" a layout), but julia's post pushed it over the edge.

sometimes change is good, i spose. kristine is still here. in a way, it sucks, because i didn't get anything done. and i've realized how shallow she really can be. she wants to be a doctor to "make people skinny. it would make me feel so happy to see them happy to be thin". and she dissed jen too much. steph too much too. kristine is really pretty, and is healthy-sized, but she keeps complaining about her thighs. it's very very annoying.

she says how "jen is sooo thin!" and how she MUST be underweight.

we're just not the same kind of people, i guess.

and i thought we were. ah well. she's still a friend.

hello shannon!
hello julia! long time no read.

i'm really really bitter now.

because my last blog was deleted before it was finished. it was very very long.

i am usually not as angry, except that when your blog is deleted, you realize that you have been spending 2 hours doing nothing, for nothing.

angry angry..
confoosed!

HO

LY

SHIT.

the longest post imaginable...now does not exist.

tough beans.

that's all for now.

yikes.
* wait for it *

compliments of julia.

yesterday, while walking down some street, i noticed a big billboard with a squirrel riding a dolphin, holding a big can of five-alive. i mentioned to laura how i loved the 5alive commercial with the guy with the toupee and that sounds like a horse. she said that one of the guys from the 5alive ad was from her school. the crazy dancing grocery cashier guy!! turns out he dated her cousin, and he's pretty conceited (i'd be too, if i could dance like that. hah. hah. ha?) and he's her school's big claim to fame.

i wonder who is st.paul's claim to fame? hmm...mr.storms? that'd be pretty crappy. i'd say it'd be mr.hughes. there aren't very many principals who've had lion-head mullets for over 20 years.

i want to see a musical. not a play, a big brainless musical with dancing, lights, and lame plots.

we went to the ROM, went to Swiss Chalet, went to the CN tower.

was fun.

why are guys so flirty sometimes? i don't know what i think about guys who are really big flirts to everyone. they're so confusing. you don't want to think about it, but then they force it on you by always acting that way. then you think "hmm...this is peculiar.." but the next minute they make a "peculiar" comment to another girl. i don't get it. laura thinks jenna likes him. i shouldn't care. i don't think i do, i just don't like...this. it's not worth thinking about, but geez, it'd be easier to ignore it if he'd quit acting and saying dumb stuff.

erg.

sometimes, i get so annoyed and frustrated with them, then the next minute i'm thinking i'll miss them too much.

jenna's bubbliness makes me tired.

i don't mind alex guy as much anymore. it's nice having someone you can take the piss out of, and you know he won't get offended. but then again, it's a two-way thing.

i think i'm over my annoyance with kelvin too. he's an alright guy.

cliff is...i think i'm used to his hair now.

wow. what earth-shattering revelations. i'm so deep.

while up the CN tower, we took lots of pictures, and did lots of really really stupid things. like going to the outdoor part of the look-out part, and climbing over the guard rail, and sitting on the chain wires, so that the only thing keeping us from plummeting to our horrible deaths was a bunch of wires. we all sat there together, and waited to take a picture in the freezing winds. then we were jumping up and down on the glass floor, but that wasn't as stupid, considering the whole floor is made of glass, it's just they carpet most of it so that no one knows they're on glass. the elevator girl told us the glass was stronger than concrete. there was a bridal party at the glass-floor. i felt bad for them. they were just walking around, doing their own thing, and the bride was looking lonely. everyone looked bored. it was a beautifully clear night tonight, and the view from the CN tower was amazing. later, allison and i found some CN tower pens that we were wishing for. they were the pens where if you tip them, a little elevator slides up the pen tube. then it slides back down when you slip it right side up. but it was 6 bucks!! nuts to that idea.

the ROM was fun. we didn't see the temporary exhibit, the chinese one, because we're cheap asses and we'd have to pay full price to do that. (notice we only went to the CN tower because it was free for us, and same for ROM). so we were being dumb, and cha-cha-ing all over the place (we chacha-ed a lot on the glass floor at the CN tower. t'was the natural thing to do. snippets of an actual convo that went on:
"ooo!! glass floor!!"
"LET'S CHA CHA!"
"i want to cha cha too!"
"three way cha cha!"
so we stood in a big circle and cha cha-ed.) we also chacha-ed in the rom, and filled out the suggestion box and guestbooks with "i loved the Ontario Science Centre". i found it funny. we were the annoying people who go out to museums and art galleries, but don't look at exhibits, read anything, nor respect other people's rights to look at the exhibits. we were so loud, but it was fun that way. allison was chasing me through the ancient ceramics section, while i was walking like i had the rickets. then she chased me as we both tried to only move our feet, but move as smoothly as possible. we climbed the fake volcano, and hid in the bat cave and scared all the visitors.

we were talking about first impressions at swiss chalet, and i said how the first thing i heard krystan say was about the Lord of the Rings thing. then i said how when the Star Trek movie came out, lyndsie and i were going to go out and see it together, since i thought we were the only people not embarassed to admit we like star trek. then, alex and krystan both said "oh damn! 'Nemesis'! i so want to see that too! we must go together!" alex says, " i didn't know you like star trek! i thought only lyndsie and caitlin did!"

i was happy that so many people were out-of-the-closet-trekkies (shudder..i dont' like that term after all..) that i yelled "I LOVE STAR TREK!!"

..and then i realized i was in a public area. oh geez...

anyways, i feel somewhat unsatisfied and disgruntled.

i don't like guys who are big flirts. why can't they just act normal?? what are they expecting?! do they honestly think that'll make you like them, or do they think that's the only way to talk to girls. even if you don't like them romantically.

girls are such saps sometimes. it bothers me. i'm mostly thinking about jenna, who seems to be falling for krystan's insane come-ons. does he flirt so much because he doesn't know how else to act? maybe he thinks girls like it. i guess most would. but i find it...excessive. it's not even subtle flirting. it's coming out and him saying that "everytime i lay my eyes on you, i fall desperately in love." and staring at you, then slowly bringing his face closer, then pressing his nose against your face. you run away, and he grabs your backpack, so you keep trying to get away, he gets your backpack, and then says something like "ooo...well if you're going to start undressing..." or some dumb stuff like that.

maybe it bothers me because i don't like him that way. hahaha how sad.

what am i talking about. i think i'm a little po'd that he thinks he can try to be a big pimp daddy to all the girls, and they'd all go for it.

but then again, he's probably just acting however he wants to, without caring what anyone else thinks. which is something he'd do. i wish i could act however i wanted and never care about what other people think of me. well...maybe it's a little bit of a good thing to care what others think. as long as it doesn't control you.

at the mini-course at queen's, tony told us that pain is a natural defence mechanism.
people who have this neuron disorder that keeps them from feeling pain usually die earlier.
he said physical pain keeps us alive longer by teaching us what hurts us. and that emotional pain tells us we did something wrong, socially, that would get in the way of our "keeping with the pack".

i got 28/28 on the bio quiz. which was worth nothing of our marks. gabe is the new sci soc teacher, which means we're at the half-way point through the semester. there's a bio test on monday. i don't care much or have much of an opinion on it. not a lack of motivation, but not any motivation at all, really. i got 5/14 on the first bio quiz, and i didn't give a poo.

i laugh at the word poo. and the word boobies.

i had a short, but interesting discussion with heather about marriage and what society makes us think about it. heather said she never wanted to have kids, and somehow that got to marriage. wait..sorry. i was actually talking with kristine about this. this was a long time ago. we were saying how it's wrong that most people think that marriage is something that everyone should go through. like if you find out there's a 40 year old single person, everyone makes a big deal about them not being married yet. but seriously, what are the odds of everyone meeting someone who is perfect (or close enough) to honestly believe that they make an amazing match who can live together for the rest of their lives. this is discluding the gold-diggers and trophy-hunters. people should be surprised that marriages even occur, it shouldn't be something that is expected.

alex girl thinks that marriage is useless. she thinks it's possible for two people to promise and to devote themselves to each other, and to live together, but the only reason why they'd get married is for legal reasons and to show off.

which ... i want to disagree with, but it's true. but marriage is about other stuff too. it's recognized as a big step, and a commitment, and by sharing it with both families, it somehow brings your families together, and gives them something in common. it's a time that you can concentrate on that side of your life for once, and think about your futures, and create a bond and relationship that is (supposedly) solid. so that there's no confusion. as in no confusion as to where the relationship stands, and how important it is to one person compared to the other.

whew. that's strange, i don't think about marriage this much, really.
i sound like the stereotypical 30-year old single woman with a fast-ticking biological clock.

it's late. night everyone.

p.s. no more visitors tomorrow. that means more calc and bio for me.